moove2london on 15 Feb 2010
- You say “the city” and expect people to know which one you mean.
- You have never been to The Tower or on the London Eye, but you love Brighton.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Paddington to Elephant & Castle, but you can’t find Yorkshire on a map.
- Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible
- You use the correct name of the tube lines, rather than call them colours.
- Your door has more than two locks.
- The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
- You consider eye contact an act of blatant aggression.
- You call an 6′ x 11′ plot of patchy grass a lawn and complain about having to mow it.
- You consider Kent the “countryside”
- You think Regent’s Park is “nature”.
- You’re paying £1,000 a month for a studio the size of a walk-in cupboard and you think it’s a ” bargain.”
- Shopping in suburban supermarkets and shopping centres gives you an attack of agoraphobia.
- You pay more each month to park your car than most people in England pay in rent.
- You haven’t seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you arrived.
- You pay £4 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28p.
- You scoff at people who live in Transport Zone 4, even though you were raised in a farm town with a population of 77.
- You actually take fashion seriously.
- Being alone makes you nervous.
- You have 18 takeaway menus next to your telephone.
- The UK west of Heathrow airport is still theoretical to you.
- You’re wary of strangers who are actually nice to you.
- You haven’t cooked a meal since helping mum last Christmas with the turkey.
- You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
- You don’t understand what people outside of London do for work.
- Someone jumping underneath a tube isn’t sad or horrifying, it’s dreadfully inconsiderate.
- Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on you.
- £50 worth of groceries fit in one carrier bag.
- You have a minimum of ten “worst cab ride ever” stories.
- You don’t hear sirens anymore.
- You’ve mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city’s air quality and what it’s doing to your lungs.
Going to church on Sunday means getting wasted with a bunch of Aussies in Clapham.
- You live in a building with a larger population than most market towns.
- You’re starting to wonder where the Sinners Winners guy went.
- Your cleaner is Korean, your grocer is Russian, your deli man is Polish, your landlord is Israeli, your laundry guy is Italian, your favourite bartender is Greek, your favouriterestaurant owner is Irish, the watchseller on your corner is Slovenian, your last cabbie was Indian, your newsagent is Pakistani and your favourite falafel guy is Moroccan.
- You wouldn’t want to live anywhere else, until you get married.
